On mourning & dignity ... or the value of Shi'vah

~for B.A.W.

In the midst of tragedy, when there is blood & smoke & the unbearable presence of absences - there is often an expectation that everyone will remain dignified. That no one will reveal too much, faint by the wayside, scream up to God, fall to their knees, or climb up, over & into the coffin of their beloved, beyond consolation, beyond voices of reason that whisper: why don't you go out a while? can't you smile a little, so people won't be too worried? Try & hold it together, you don't want everyone to see you fall apart.

Folks are afraid of grief, of the stirring of emotion raw & un-sanitized.

But there should be tears & sobbing & weeping & wailing ... why should the one in mourning be charged with managing others' pain, providing them comfort?

The Jews, the Bible tells us, tore their clothes, poured ashes on their head, and lay prostrate on the ground, soaking the earth with their tears; they had professional mourners to lift up a lament & wail so that all would know - there has been a great loss here, an absence or curse or tragedy or defeat that rips us at the seams.

In the midst of mourning, there should be no tears that are silenced & hidden from sight, nor perfunctory assurances for others that - I'm okay; I'll be fine; I'll get through this with time/support/prayer/God.

There should be room for the one whose heart has been raked open to speak: I am not okay & there is no guarantee that I'll ever be fine.

Let there be grief - not simply crying but wails & shrieks & screams & moans. Let there be no air that's enough, no touch that calms, no song or sound or words that soothe.

For that is what occasion calls for, that's what the occasion is - a time to be honest & bare about the condition of our hearts.

So on this day, let there be mourning, without words or politesse or explanation or the pretense of putting on a brave front. Let the grief take over, so that maybe the pits of darkness, ever deepening, can be left behind - not out of fleeing, but by wading step by step through to the bottom of their depths where there is light, and perhaps, peace.

JJB: August 2010