I am still healing re - the man who was once in my life, but is no longer. I never expected it would be this long of a process - lengthened i'm sure by the dearth of new prospects being in that no-mans-land of boston! amen to escape! ;) i think, though, that i'm getting better & moving in a good direction. I'm learning to be patient ... with my spirit, with unexpected memories, with tears, with regrets, with lingering yearnings, with his presence - not in reality, but in the person i've become and am. i don't fault or get angry w/myself anymore for the minute or hours or days that are hard, when i need to take a breath, or nap, or good hard cry to be okay. i simply take whatever i need in that moment ... and then keep moving. i am happy, or perhaps proud(?), that i have not vilified or maligned his memory & significance in my life in order to move forward. i think it might have been easier that way, to hate him or curse him (and Lord knows some folk were willing to do LOTS of that for me, lol). To acknowledge the pain & confusion & wounds w/out the care & laughter, the feeling known & understood, the unique sense of safety i felt w/him, all i learned or the leaps & bounds that i grew in our relationship doesn't just dishonor him, it dishonors us; it dishonors me. I can't do that. I won't. "There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave / You were what I wanted / I gave what I gave / I'm not sorry I met you / I'm not sorry it's over / I'm not sorry there's nothing to save" (Lyrics, "Your ex-lover is dead" by Stars). I want to feel healed - but I *need* to live honest, I need me to be complete. and all of that (& this process) is part of the whole that I am.
so, i continue to be patient with my heart and i am learning, daily, to dream and hope again.
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