So those of you who know
me well know my typical relationship to relationships- 'nuff said
(& if u don't know... well u don't know). But this note is in
defense of brothas as regards the "we-need-to-talk" talk (note this can
equally be an fyi for the bros if you tend to be the one to initiate
"the talk" too). At some point, usually many points, somethings gone
too long unsaid or hasn't been worked out or something about the
relationship feels unsettled or like it needs closure ... which needs
to be communicated & shared & dealt w/between the 2 of you.
& more often than not it's the sista who's like "we need to talk"
(and we're all grown so i know you all know what hearing those words
does...), things need to be discussed in order for things to move
forward, get sorted out & healed or whatever is needed
But ladies - here's the thing, by the time we reach the point when we want to talk, we have already turn things round & round, journaled about it, processed & re-processed it, & (depending on your prefs about external info) consulted some outside parties, & figured out (sometimes by writing them down & revising ahead of time) *precisely* which words we want to use (& the ones we *refuse* or *absolutely* must not use) so that when we sit down to talk - we have our game face on & we're ready to get right to it. &while in my old age i increasingly try to avoid such "talks" like the plague - yo, back in the day, I could create power point presentations w/what I want/plan to say (10x more detailed than the notes I lecture from!)- fully outlined, bulleted, illustrated, & (knowing me) w/a literary quote or two to drive my pts home & for good measure a printout summarizing the big takeaway pts for later reference. Upshot - we've already sorted everything out
None of that, the thinking thru, is wrong, bad, or problematic in & of itself ... the problem comes when we expect the guy to be able to converse & engage w/us immediately once we present our case in "the talk". We've ALREADY done all our processing, turned it round in our minds AND sorted out how we feel about it ... which is why the phrase "So, I've been thinking..." is oh so common at the beginning of said talks. *But* the brotha is just hearing it for the 1st time- EVEN if you've already said previously "we need to talk" before the actual talk - he hasn't heard the issue as we've worked it out in our heads & might not even realize what precisely the issue(s) is. He hasn't had time to process a damn thing - hell he may not have even taken it all in yet. So there we are asking for a response & often getting upset that we aren't getting a reaction or the kind of response we'd like (thoughtful, sincere, well articulated, coherent, etc), when he may still be trying to steady the ground that's just fallen out from under him.
Here's my point - it's not really fair to ask for an immediate response or engagement (perhaps outside of - did you get all that? Any questions?). When we come w/our power points in hand, for them it can feel like being bombarded, an assault on their senses so to speak -which might explain any initial aggressive/defensiveness (that's natural when you feel under attack or overwhelmed, right?). And the shutting down might (at times) just be the attempt to process in a matter of minutes what we've been sorting thru for days or weeks... All I'm saying is it's only fair to give them some time to sort things thru because we've already taken ours.
I guess this is just an appeal for thinking about establishing new rules of engagement ... Ladies (& yes again this can equally apply to guys) perhaps we need to shift our expectations about what an appropriate response should be. And brothas -my appeal is by no means a defense of skirting or avoiding serious conversations altogether - you won't get that excuse from me. My research shows (more on that coming soon...) that engaging w/the issue at hand & soon is essential. Ignoring & avoidance = relational death. I'm just advocating that if you need more time to process or sort thru things - that it's definitely w/in your right to say: that's a lot ... can I just have a lil time to step back & let it all sink in. This (you, us) is important - and so I just want to take some time to think things thru, to process things ... and then we'll talk. And we shouldn't hear that as a cop out or avoidance - but as a real legitimate (& likely beneficial) request
That only seems fair.
But ladies - here's the thing, by the time we reach the point when we want to talk, we have already turn things round & round, journaled about it, processed & re-processed it, & (depending on your prefs about external info) consulted some outside parties, & figured out (sometimes by writing them down & revising ahead of time) *precisely* which words we want to use (& the ones we *refuse* or *absolutely* must not use) so that when we sit down to talk - we have our game face on & we're ready to get right to it. &while in my old age i increasingly try to avoid such "talks" like the plague - yo, back in the day, I could create power point presentations w/what I want/plan to say (10x more detailed than the notes I lecture from!)- fully outlined, bulleted, illustrated, & (knowing me) w/a literary quote or two to drive my pts home & for good measure a printout summarizing the big takeaway pts for later reference. Upshot - we've already sorted everything out
None of that, the thinking thru, is wrong, bad, or problematic in & of itself ... the problem comes when we expect the guy to be able to converse & engage w/us immediately once we present our case in "the talk". We've ALREADY done all our processing, turned it round in our minds AND sorted out how we feel about it ... which is why the phrase "So, I've been thinking..." is oh so common at the beginning of said talks. *But* the brotha is just hearing it for the 1st time- EVEN if you've already said previously "we need to talk" before the actual talk - he hasn't heard the issue as we've worked it out in our heads & might not even realize what precisely the issue(s) is. He hasn't had time to process a damn thing - hell he may not have even taken it all in yet. So there we are asking for a response & often getting upset that we aren't getting a reaction or the kind of response we'd like (thoughtful, sincere, well articulated, coherent, etc), when he may still be trying to steady the ground that's just fallen out from under him.
Here's my point - it's not really fair to ask for an immediate response or engagement (perhaps outside of - did you get all that? Any questions?). When we come w/our power points in hand, for them it can feel like being bombarded, an assault on their senses so to speak -which might explain any initial aggressive/defensiveness (that's natural when you feel under attack or overwhelmed, right?). And the shutting down might (at times) just be the attempt to process in a matter of minutes what we've been sorting thru for days or weeks... All I'm saying is it's only fair to give them some time to sort things thru because we've already taken ours.
I guess this is just an appeal for thinking about establishing new rules of engagement ... Ladies (& yes again this can equally apply to guys) perhaps we need to shift our expectations about what an appropriate response should be. And brothas -my appeal is by no means a defense of skirting or avoiding serious conversations altogether - you won't get that excuse from me. My research shows (more on that coming soon...) that engaging w/the issue at hand & soon is essential. Ignoring & avoidance = relational death. I'm just advocating that if you need more time to process or sort thru things - that it's definitely w/in your right to say: that's a lot ... can I just have a lil time to step back & let it all sink in. This (you, us) is important - and so I just want to take some time to think things thru, to process things ... and then we'll talk. And we shouldn't hear that as a cop out or avoidance - but as a real legitimate (& likely beneficial) request
That only seems fair.
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