Divorce #2922

I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep. I was telling God for the millionth time how much I missed ... the desire of my heart. And the words came to me with perfect clarity: if you keep on asking God for this man (who S/He hasn't said yes to, who has loved you only partially & never enough), S/He just might give him to you. You'll have him and you'll miss out on the goodness that God ordained for you. Watch out - God just may give you your heart's desire if you keep begging for it & you'll never get to experience the wonder of God's will, the love that you can't even begin to fully imagine.

Make space in your heart, J for the love, the loving, you crave. Don't trade in the blessing reserved for you, prepared for you (& preparing for you) for this man whose love is & has always been extremely fragmented: so hot it scorches or so cold that you barely survive the chill. The one who has never said: yes, you; or been willing to do the work to claim you as his own; who has backed away; pointed out every manner in which you were lacking & not enough; a man who cared about & for you - but never loved you as the treasure you are.

Take care child - if you keep asking, I will grant you your heart's desire - and you will never know the gift of love I wanted you to have because you'll be too busy nursing wounds & trying to survive off of fragments of care.

I am so thankful that the Lord says no, seeing so far beyond me into the very core of what I need. I'm grateful that God cares enough to reveal to my spirit, still so young & foolish, the wisdom behind the provisions of Her/His grace. I choose being loved & having the privilege to once again do some loving over this one man. I miss him, I have so many regrets of things left undone or unsaid; I lament that he will never know the woman that I became (and a woman I surely became) largely because of, through & with him. But, I choose love. I love me more than... No longer - te amo mas que, because I love me more than

Yo me amas más que. Yo me amas más que.

JJB: winter 2009