Giving up lonely

I'm not submitting a fellowship application go to France next year. They're due next Monday. I've known they were due next Monday for the last 3 weeks and carried around the application each of those 21 or so days.

I've started filling them out, thought about calling for last minute letters of rec, thought about which one to apply for and what I would tell Michele (the advisor). I'm not sending in an application .. and I feel like a junkie going through the DTs. I have to work hard, very hard, not to fill this one out ... or the one to be in NYC next semester.

I am, mainly, a girl that goes. Or, at least, I have been up till now. 

If you do what you always did, you'll get what you always had ... and even pimpin Harvard, Bill Gates, & the US govt for $$$ can be a bad thing if it's become an addiction, done simply for the sake of doing it rather than w/actual rhyme & reason... or desire.

This will be the first time I haven't submitted *some* type of fellowship application to go somewhere in many, many seasons.  It will also be the 1st time that I've stayed at one address for more than a year (i.e. not packing everything up & moving it all out mid-year or for the summer), for the first time in a decade. I have moved 27 times in the last 10 years. More than a nomad, Im the poster child for instability, insecurity and constant motion (which might explain some things about my relationships ... or lack thereof).

I am weary. I need something new - something I don't quite understand or know how to articulate or how to describe because it is completely foreign - staying, remaining. I am, I have been, a girl that mainly ... goes.

I still have plans - NYC 2009-2010 (at least) possibly for the MFA I've been skirting around for the last 7 years. But I am sitting out, opting out of leaving right now. I'm learning to try to be at rest ... to be something ... someone ... different. I think I may finally be a woman who's ready to give up lonely.