I am often humbled, ashamed really, by how easily my faith wanes, how quickly I fall into doubt and disbelief. How quickly I forget, when I'm discouraged, how my life has been blessed and full - charmed even - (I'm not the stat I was supposed to be, I'm able to send money back home, I'm no longer plagued/tormented, & even in the things that aren't yet perfected, that require change and growth, aren't so bad - they pay me to read books yall).
Still, knowing all this, there are times when I get weary. Times when I'm trying to walk and be and do and and that thorn is still in my side. Times when it seems despite all my effort, I just haven't grown enough or moved very far forward (& perhaps have even slipped backward). Times when I look around and can't help but feel like I'm flailing & failing, when I've not actually given up, but I'm just weary -so very, very tired. And then I start to question, not if God can (though perhaps if He will), but mainly, if I'll be strong enough, if I'll be able to hold on & keep working in the meantime...
And then, somehow, I find myself standing in a gentle breeze:
~ I w/out cause pop in that cd that I've had for a long time and never played and hear the lyrics of a song that I didn't even know I needed to hear
~ a friend calls to say I was just on his mind
~ I randomly pick up that book that once helped carry me through
~ the extension I never even requested is granted
~ a friend and a mentor and another friend say, "well why don't you go..." & that funding I didn't even want comes anyway.
And sometimes because I'm, for all my merits, still fairly dense and oblivious, so often missing the point, God will take the time to spell it out, in small words and simple phrases, as He did this morning: you wouldn't make it, you're not that strong - but I Am and I know what you need...
1 Kings 19
5 He lay down and slept under a juniper tree; and behold, there was an angel touching him, and he said to him, "Arise, eat." 6 Then he looked and behold, there was at his head a bread cake baked on hot stones, and a jar of water. So he ate and drank and lay down again. 7 The angel of the LORD came again a second time and touched him and said, "Arise, eat, because the journey is too great for you."
Still, knowing all this, there are times when I get weary. Times when I'm trying to walk and be and do and and that thorn is still in my side. Times when it seems despite all my effort, I just haven't grown enough or moved very far forward (& perhaps have even slipped backward). Times when I look around and can't help but feel like I'm flailing & failing, when I've not actually given up, but I'm just weary -so very, very tired. And then I start to question, not if God can (though perhaps if He will), but mainly, if I'll be strong enough, if I'll be able to hold on & keep working in the meantime...
And then, somehow, I find myself standing in a gentle breeze:
~ I w/out cause pop in that cd that I've had for a long time and never played and hear the lyrics of a song that I didn't even know I needed to hear
~ a friend calls to say I was just on his mind
~ I randomly pick up that book that once helped carry me through
~ the extension I never even requested is granted
~ a friend and a mentor and another friend say, "well why don't you go..." & that funding I didn't even want comes anyway.
And sometimes because I'm, for all my merits, still fairly dense and oblivious, so often missing the point, God will take the time to spell it out, in small words and simple phrases, as He did this morning: you wouldn't make it, you're not that strong - but I Am and I know what you need...
1 Kings 19
5 He lay down and slept under a juniper tree; and behold, there was an angel touching him, and he said to him, "Arise, eat." 6 Then he looked and behold, there was at his head a bread cake baked on hot stones, and a jar of water. So he ate and drank and lay down again. 7 The angel of the LORD came again a second time and touched him and said, "Arise, eat, because the journey is too great for you."
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